What is Gaslighting and How Do You Know if Someone is Gaslighting You?
Rebecca Leon, MHC-LP
With mental health becoming less stigmatized in the US, various topics within the field have become more common to discuss among the general public. One topic that stands out is "gaslighting," a weighted term that has become more mainstream in recent years. People may use the term “gaslight” in various ways, causing confusion as to what it truly means. Here’s a bit of context into what is considered gaslighting and how to tell if someone is gaslighting you:
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation used to make a person doubt their perception of reality. The term "gaslighting" comes from the 1938 play "Angel Street” by Patrick Hamilton, which was later developed into the film “Gas Light” by Alfred Hitchcock. In the play, a husband tries to convince his wife that she is going insane by manipulating her environment with tactics such as slowly and steadily dimming the flame of a gas lamp (Gordon, 2023). In this type of emotional abuse, the abuser misleads the target, creating a false narrative and causing them to question their judgments and reality. Ultimately, the victim of gaslighting starts to feel unsure about their perceptions of the world and even wonder if they are losing their sanity (Gordon, 2023).
Gaslighting can be subtle, such as questioning the victim’s memory of a conversation or event, or more overt, such as denying that a particular incident ever occurred. While there may be varying degrees of gaslighting, this form of manipulation can be highly damaging to the victim's mental health. Victims may begin to doubt their ability to make decisions or trust their thoughts and feelings.
As mentioned, gaslighting can be a form of emotional abuse as the manipulator may use it to exert control over the victim. This can include isolating the victim from friends and family, controlling their finances, and threatening them with physical harm. Here are some signs to look out for if you suspect someone is gaslighting you:
They deny things they said or did: Gaslighters will often deny things they previously said or did, even if there is evidence to the contrary. They may claim that you're misremembering events or making things up entirely. As a result, you question your perception of reality (Gordon, 2023).
They tell you that your feelings are wrong: Gaslighters may try to invalidate your feelings by telling you that you're overreacting or that your emotions are irrational. They may try to make you feel guilty for your feelings or dismiss your concerns altogether. This may cause you to feel afraid of speaking up or expressing yourself. You may think that sharing your opinion makes things worse, so you stay silent instead (Gordon, 2023).
They use your own words against you: Gaslighters may take things you've said out of context or twist your words to make it seem like you said something you didn't. They may use your own words against you to make you doubt yourself or feel confused. This may cause you to feel like you’re “walking on eggshells,” afraid to share your feelings (Gordon, 2023).
They make you doubt your memory: Gaslighters may try to make you doubt your memory by claiming that things happened differently than you remember. They may say that you're forgetful or that you're imagining things.
They isolate you from others: Gaslighters may try to isolate you from your friends and family or make you feel like you can't trust anyone else. They may tell you that others are lying to you or that they don't have your best interests at heart. This may cause you to feel trapped or isolated (Gordon, 2023).
They make you question your sanity: Gaslighters may try to make you feel like you're losing your mind by constantly questioning your thoughts and perceptions. They may make you feel like you can't trust your judgment and that you need them to tell you what's real.
They make you question yourself: Gaslighters may try to make you feel like you are wrong, unintelligent, inadequate, or insane. Sometimes, you may even find yourself repeating these statements to yourself (Gordon, 2023).
They make you worry that you are too sensitive: Gaslighters will often minimize hurtful behavior or words by saying, “I was just joking,” or “you’re too sensitive” (Gordon, 2023). This may cause you to think you’re overreacting.
If you suspect someone is gaslighting you, it's important to seek help and support. Consider reaching out to a trusted friend or family member or seeking help from a mental health professional. Remember that you have the right to feel safe and respected and that you deserve to be treated with kindness and empathy.
Sources:
Gordon, S. (2023). What Is Gaslighting and Signs It May Be Happening to You. Verywellmind.