Psychology of Endings and Goodbyes
By Jessica Chang, MHC-LP
Endings are a natural and constant part of life, a companion to change and often associated with goodbyes. In childhood and growing up to adulthood, perhaps endings were more anticipated and associated with positivity and excitement, thinking of the end of the school year, graduations, leaving home for the first time, turning 18 and then 21. Still, goodbye rituals would persist, seen in the backs of year books and team parties at the end of a season. At what point do endings, or change, become more of a source of dread, grief, and anxiety, desires shifting towards stability, consistency, and predictability? Goodbyes can be really difficult for kids at times, but for some adults, goodbyes are avoided whenever possible. Many factors influence our relationship with endings from childhood to adulthood and beyond.
Neurobiology and Attachment Style
A study on rodents has shown that psychological loss (when feeling deprived) has an impact on brain functioning. Molecular changes occur in the basolateral amygdala, a region linked to emotional adaptability and the processing of emotional stimuli (Smail et al., 2023), as well as unconscious anxiety (Etkin et al., 2004). This may provide insight regarding feelings of overwhelming emotions and the hum of anxiety that arises when saying goodbye to a long-distance friend on the train platform as they head home, or when you are driving away from a final event of the season, or when experiencing the loss of a loved one.
Response to endings and loss are also influenced by one’s attachment style. In bereavement, the key to effective coping is seen as being able to switch between loss-oriented coping (i.e., focusing on the loss and dwelling on the lost relationship) and restoration-oriented coping (i.e., focusing on new relationships and embracing life-changes after loss), while also removing oneself from the process at times to take breaks through distraction. It has been shown that securely attached individuals are able to oscillate between the different coping styles when addressing loss and endings. Anxiously attached individuals experience loss with overwhelming intensity, and dismissively attached individuals avoid coping all together. Avoiding acknowledging endings can lead to stages of chronic or complicated grief with symptoms that are long lasting and less controllable, which can negatively affect one’s physical and mental health as well as interpersonal relationships. Closure, on the other hand, allows people to feel happier, have less regrets, and transition into a new stage in life easier (Martschenko, 2023).
Closure and the Importance of Saying Goodbye
Closure is not always an option in endings, which may manifest in complex layers of emotions. Grief, anger, sorrow, relief, etc. are all entirely valid feelings to have with loss and may feel more present with unexpected or imbalanced feelings in a relationship. This highlights the importance of staying in tune with your emotions, allowing yourself to feel and reflect, and addressing and communicating with your feelings as they emerge. It is important to consider embracing opportunities for closure and checking in with what your hopes and expectations may be within these times.
There are many benefits to actively participating in goodbyes and goodbye rituals, which can look different for everyone. Closure not only speaks towards physical separation but emotional closure as well through processing and reflecting. This process facilitates acceptance and healing as one acknowledges an ending and proceeds to move forward, coping with changes and adapting. Carefully moving forward encourages personal growth and self discovery, opening up opportunities for personal development. Reflecting is often a salient part of goodbye rituals. Looking back on an experience and how it fits into our life narrative allows for greater understanding of ourselves and how we got to the present moment in our present form and where we may have come from. Practicing goodbyes can also strengthen relationships and enhance emotional resilience, with the possibility of maintaining a sense of connection despite physical separation and in providing insight for future relationships with others. Addressing goodbyes can alleviate anxiety associated with uncertainty and change and cultivates gratitude through acknowledging and appreciating all that was experienced.
Peak-end Effect
While facing the overwhelming emotions that come with endings, it may be helpful to recognize the peak-end effect - when people remember something, they imbue the greatest meaning to the “peak” of the experience (the best of times) and to the end of it. In other words, how an experience ends often determines how we remember it, disproportionately shaping our memory of an experience. This effect can distort our perception of endings and our goodbye rituals. Recognizing this bias can help us to think about our experiences more holistically and to better cope with goodbyes.
Conclusion
Endings are inevitable in any journey, only some presenting an opportunity for goodbyes. A part of life from childhood through adulthood, endings are a natural part of our journeys on this planet. Reflecting on how goodbyes have felt as we have grown may provide insight into our relationships and how we approach goodbye rituals while allowing us to better know ourselves and understand our life journeys thus far.
Sources:
Etkin, A. et al. (2004). Individual differences in trait anxiety predict the response of the basolateral amygdala to unconsciously processed fearful faces. Neuron, 44(6), 1043-1055.
Martschenko, C. (2023). Why is it so hard to say goodbye? Spiegeloog.
Shee Wai, H. (2024). How to Say Goodbye? The Counselling Place.
Sinusoid, D. (2019). The Peak-End Effect: Harness the Power of Endings. Shortform.
Smail, M.A. et al. (2023). Molecular neurobiology of loss: a role for basolateral amygdala extracellular matrix. Molecular psychiatry, 28(11), 4729–4741. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41380-023-02231-8